Clinical medicine. You make me want to bang my head against a wall. I’m staring at the number of words on each powerpoint slide and the number of slides per page and the total number of pages and I just want to curl up and get into fetal position.

Finally there comes to a point where my stress level plateaus. I turn up my favorite dance music. I bob my head and I start absorbing this load of information like osmosis. I got so focused on reading words after words, sentences after sentences that I almost set my apartment on fire twice from forgetting that I was making food for myself. Thank god for my roommate! 

Overdosing on knowledge, I have to say, it is actually quite an amazing feeling. 3 down, 3 more to go.

Block 7 exam week. Close your eyes. Remember to breathe, remember to take breaks, remember to sleep, remember to get up and stretch, remember to eat. Remember the most you can do is to try your best. You are only human. Here’s to hundreds of diseases, thousands of diagnosis, 10 thousand drugs and a 100 thousand cases. Pencils, erasers and my brain.

Reflecting on all those years of good memories back in university, I thought to myself, where are the remaining pieces? Its sad to say that I will go and stroll through my facebook inbox just to read those messages. To feel what I felt during those times. To relive those moments of heartbeats. 5 years ago, if you ask me would I expect myself to be where I am today? I would say no. I didn’t believe I had the capability to get into a professional school. I didn’t think any highly of myself but rather just an average kid doing a pre-med degree. I didn’t think my life would change so much from then to now. I didn’t think I’d meet so many more people that stayed and left. I’d like to say I miss you. I’d like to say I miss all those years of laughter. All those simple days and long conversations on the phone. I’d like to say that I think about you still because you’ve became a family member since and that no one has yet to replace. So to go back in time, I recollect all the remaining pieces just to enjoy a few minutes of reminiscence. And I am still asking myself the same question: What do I want? And til now, I still don’t have an answer.

I hate my ppo professor. I hate all american people. American people are rude and disrespectful. Dear Canada, I’ll be back soon.

I don’t think my eyes have ever felt so much pain. I don’t think my head has ever ached so hard. I feel like I have a fucking tumor. I hate school. I hate my apartment. I have roommates but they never stay on the weekend and I miss them. I call my mum. I complain to her about how annoyed I am with everything. She makes me understand myself better. She makes me realize what I want in life. She gives me the wisdom to carry on proudly. How would my life be without her? I talk to my dad for laughter and I realized that being away from home can sometimes be so miserable. Maybe because I am a girl and I always want comfort. But being in this chaotic semester, comfort is the last item on my to do list . So I carry on, I make my avocado milkshake or what I call happy potion. I lick the bowl because its just that fucking tasty. I get back to studying because that’s just the life I currently have.

Burning eyes. Those poor eyelids overworked. Bulbar conjunctiva dehydrated. Cornea abraded. Neovascularization. Cortisol raising. Blood pressure elevated. 7 courses x 3h, 6h of clerkship, 10h of labs, 6h of work, 5h of lab assignments, 1h of vision therapy = 49h of school activity/week. 2h to grocery shop, 2h for lunch and dinner x7 and 7h of sleep x7 = 65h of survival needs

168h in a week - 49h -65h = 54h reserved for studying.

If “time” can be purchased and hours were sold such that 1 hour = $25. The stock market would be booming. And so would procrastination and everything will just be delayed. The growth of a nation would slow and nothing would get completed on a timely manner. Things would fall apart and people would die faster. For better or for worse?

If you asked me a year ago when I entered optometry school what I would buy with my first paycheck, my reply would be a LV travel bag. When I was flying to San Antonio for my first optometry school interview, I saw a girl on the plane with this beautiful LV bag. I don’t own anything expensive but one day I would like to treat myself to something nice. So I became determined to shine in all my interviews and get into my dream school.

If you ask me the same question today, my reply would be a trip for my parents to Europe. Then a kitchen renovation for their house. Today I had lunch with a wise friend, she said “you only realize you are aging when money begin to matter more and more to you.” Wealth, before I didn’t care now I want every bit of it. Thinking responsibly, managing my finance, reaching another level of maturity, obtaining another set of life skills, one way or another, you will need to face reality. And the reality is that being rich is equivalent to being “well” off.

In Canada, we don’t have this “spring break” that the college kids have in the states. So I went through undergrad without ever traveling to somewhere fun during March. Ever since I moved to Boston, the one place I wanted to go was Miami. I wanted to go in the summer time when I was off from school but I didn’t get a chance to. Now I have finally booked my trip! I’m so excited! Last time I traveled with friends was when I was 15 years old to Europe, I had the bestest time. Just 1.5 months of no life until the hot sunny beaches.

Every time I have gotten sick in Boston, I had friends that offered to buy me medicine and make me soup. I don’t think I have ever made better friends in my life. It means the world to me when someone cares about me that way. I have a sore throat and a stuffy nose, I have a fever and I have to study. I start my day tomorrow at 7:30 and end at 8:00. Just thinking about my week gives me a huge headache. I’m having the biggest chicken nugget craving and I wish macdonald’s do delivery.

I am agitated. I am frustrated. I am annoyed by everyone around me and every single sentence I hear. I hate girls with attitude. I hate jealous girls. I went on the mission trip to Mexico because I wanted to do something to make the world a little bit better. I missed a whole week of school and I am very stressed out. I don’t need bitches to tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done. I’m not sorry for being better. When you really want something, you need to try hard to earn it. This year I wanted to keep myself very busy so that I won’t get too lonely. Its hard to management such a busy lifestyle and sometimes I wonder if I add too much stress to my life. But I’m so scared of taking a break. I just want to constantly be doing something and constantly work my mind. I need to keep myself busy because it helps me stay sane.